Uncertainty and The Art of not Knowing

Because we - humans -  are hard-wired to prefer certainty to uncertainty, we experience this ambiguity as highly uncomfortable, even distressing. Indeed, the things we care about the most are often ambiguous and unknowable - right?. And considering that the future is uncertain and that being faced with the unknown is uncomfortable, we tend to develop strategies to avoid or reduce the uncertainty, the not knowing what's going to happen. These may work in the short term, but not forever and at some point - as the stock market - we eventually crash. When intolerance to uncertainty becomes the rule, however, striving to eliminate it altogether paradoxically contributes to increased anxiety and suffering, and ultimately impedes our ability to reach our goals (Ref - https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1005553414688). 

Definition - https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/uncertainty

How do we relate to uncertainty and not knowing? Do we often focus on mechanisms that allow us to try to know something as certain? For example, imagine that you are waiting for someone to call you - a possible employer - and they don't. What do we do in this scenario? Do we start thinking they may not want to hire us? Or that we did something wrong in an interview? Did the person that was going to call us forgot, and if so, does that mean that we weren't as important to them as we thought? All these questions can be apply to multiple aspects of our lives - personal relationships get more complicated as we tend to start imagining scenarios that most likely will create more anxiety and suffering. 

So - when we are in this state, there a number of habits that play an important role in increasing the "need to know" - however - there are also parallel strategies that can be applied in order to let go and move forward with our day without causing a disturbance. 

Negative Habits (totally subjective opinion by the way)

• Worrying to “solve” uncertainty - Worries are often related to plans, predictions and preparations for hypothetical situations that are ultimately ambiguous and unknown. It may feel “productive” to worry sometimes because we believe we are actually "doing" something, but when the narrative of worrying is out of one’s control, such as for future events, worrying about it becomes an “intolerance to uncertainty strategy” and only leads to more worry. Yikes!

• Perfectionism and overprotecting - This is a very common one in teenagers. It is my belief that to reduce uncertainty and to gain a sense of control, some of us may try to want to do everything ourselves, maybe over-prepare, or not sharing the weight with others. Another example may be around the narrative of someone wanting the "perfect relationship" when in reality there is not such thing. This action may also take the form of "perfectionistic tendencies" (Ref - https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1998-11403-018) relating to the idea that if everything is perfect, the outcome will be predictable and positive. Some of us may also apply these strategies in the context of our relationships with significant others by being overprotective and doing things for them.

• Seeking for certainty elsewhere - Looking at pour phones all day or watching movies  somehow provides an immediate and constant form of reassurance and, ultimately, reduces spontaneous daily exposure to uncertainty. It is fascinating to understand this particular category, because there has been lots of research done around how we handle the unknown today often aid by social media. For example, research actually shows that intolerance to uncertainty is a rising phenomenon that correlates with the rise of digital technology. Foe example, googling health questions as they occur, searching through someone’s or one’s own social media, excessive online-researching before making a decision. (Carleton et. al, 2019 - Ref: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/16506073.2019.1575900)

• Reassurance seeking - Asking for reassurance and seeking advice are also common ways to dispel uncertainty and to attempt to “feel certain”. For example, asking a loved one if they love you multiple times a day, asking multiple sources about an upcoming decision, getting second and third opinion, etc. 

• Procrastinating - Or choosing not to choose (i.e. indecisiveness). For example, how many times we start doing something and we just don't seem to be able to finish it? Based on some research, when someone procrastinates a lot, is usually a sign of low self esteem - Questions like will I be able to finish this? Am I good enough for this? are often asked under this category of having a hard time to let go the not knowing. 

Positive Habits (totally subjective opinion by the way as well)

• Acceptance - If the only thing that is certain in life is that life is fundamentally uncertain, then acceptance of uncertainty, in all its discomfort, is necessary. I'm learning (personally) to engage in strategies/habits/actions to reduce uncertainty. I'm learning how to just sit with this feeling - a good exercise is to take a moment to explore our internal experience around a situation. For example, identifying what we are feeling, observe/witnessing the sensations in our body, noticing the feeling of our breath, thoughts, and overall being is indeed a very good start to let-go of "wanting to know" or to accept a "Maybe".  Acceptance comes with lots of good things, but it is imperative to remember then no matter how intense our thoughts and emotions become at a given point in time, they are temporary and they will pass. I often say this to myself in such states -  “This too shall pass”, “I do not know and it is okay”, “It is uncomfortable and I can feel it”, “It is uncertain, I do not need to solve it”.

• Being Flexible - Understanding that nothing is certain will provide us with lots of flexibility. Granted, better said than done, but it is true. Finding a mindset of flexibility will simplify our daily worries. Being flexible means accepting what is. For example, if we are in a relationship where we must know if the other person person love us or desire us, it is ok to not know, to accept a "maybe" or a "I just don't know". Building tolerance to uncertainty is like strengthening a muscle. The more we work it out, the stronger it becomes and it is an art, like getting really good at painting, or writing code, or playing the drums. 

Peace and Love!